Were you a born in or a convert?
It was the beginning of my 8 th grade school year in 1966 when I met two girls who were Jehovah’s Witnesses. I loved science so naturally the conversation centered around the topic of evolution. They placed with me the book “Did Man Get Here by Evolution or by Creation?” I read everything in the school library on the subject but couldn’t find where evolution was called a fact. They argued quite convincingly that it was only a theory and therefore not provable. (Thanks to Richard Dawkins today I know that is a fallacy.) One thing led to another and soon I was studying the little blue “Truth” book. My parents objected to my growing involvement with the JWs but didn’t know how to counter their arguments.
Are your parents / family JWs?
My parents were not nor ever became JWs. My husband, a born-in, and I raised two boys in the cult. They married JW girls and have given me four grandchildren. They still subscribe to the JW religion. For 22 years we were in the same congregation as my husband’s strong JW parents.
How many generations have been JWs?
I converted in my teens, therefore I am/was the first generation.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
I was and elder’s wife for 25 years, but didn’t have the right plumbing for any appointed position. I auxiliary pioneered for two years and was a regular pioneer for two years as well. I tried to convince myself that if I went out in service more I would like it. Like most I was more concerned with getting my time in than anything else. Walking subdivision streets in the 90 plus degree heat of the Florida summers was enough to wear anybody down!
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
This is where cognitive dissonance takes over. My authentic self couldn’t wrap my mind around unseen spirits. Naturally I spouted the party line about angels directing the work and demons inhabiting flea market items. At one time I threw away some items my parents had sent for the boys because I thought they were possessed. On the other hand I had quit praying for many years as I came to realize I was merely talking to myself.
Did you get baptised? When and why?
I was baptized in 1973 at the age of 20. Back then one was supposed to study the “Truth” book for 6 months, then get baptized. I procrastinated for about 6 years. When I moved out of my parents’ house I felt I could make a dedication and get baptized. Looking back I think the biggest reason I took the plunge was the fear of Armageddon in 1975. And I wanted to get married to have someone to go through the great tribulation with. I am still married to the same person I married in 1974 and we are both out.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
Over the years we noticed how much better we were treated by nonJWs than by the brothers. For example we had a lawn mowing business. We were dumping our grass clippings on a brother’s property. When he heard we had bought a house his reasoning was, “If we could afford a house we could afford to pay him to dump our grass.” A neighbor who lived just behind our house then let us dump our grass there for free.
Shortly after we were married my husband had given a bid for a construction job. A brother overheard the bid and immediately underbid the job. Talk about being stabbed in the back!
Even though many other examples could be given over the course of my 38 years as a JW I kept telling myself I was serving Jehovah, not imperfect men. Little did I know I was really serving an organization run by imperfect men.
What started me researching the WT was an article in the January 2007 Gainesville Sun (Florida) about blood and Jehovah’s Witnesses by Kerry Louderback-Wood. She referenced the website ajwrb.org. I read all there was to read on that site, then I followed links all over the web, landing on JWD, JWfacts, freeminds, and a host of others. I must interject that back in 1982 on the day my second was born I was told if he didn’t receive a blood transfusion he would not live the day out. As good JWs we refused and he did not get blood. Long story short, he lived, thrived, and we were convinced the no-blood policy was of divine origin.
Of course when I started reading I learned much more than why refusing blood may not always be a good idea.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
As mentioned above my initial information came from the internet. I read Ray Franz’ two books and was impressed by his lack of bitterness. I read Randall Watter’s book “Refuting Jehovah’s Witnesses”. Some other books that helped were “Combating Cult Mind Control” and “Releasing the Bonds” by Steve Hassan. “The God Delusion” and The Greatest Show on Earth” by Richard Dawkins brought me back to my love of science.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
At the time I was learning “the truth about the truth” my husband was the PO of the congregation. How was I going to tell him? He was a born-in who knew no other way of life. Not only that but he had done temp work at NY Bethel a couple times. Yet it was his time at Bethel that started him questioning. He couldn’t understand why the Society was spending so much money maintaining empty buildings. Neither could he understand how a global flood could have occurred. Well I researched the Flood for him and we began talking.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
My husband stepped down as PO while both of us gradually slowed our field service activity. We bought a house a 1000 miles away in Pennsylvania in 2007 and moved in 2011. We did not DA and to our knowledge are not DFd.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
My husband and I made the decision to leave together so that was mutual. We told both of our married boys we were leaving and why but the pull of their JW wives proved to be too strong for them to follow us.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
My parents and my husband’s father were deceased when we left. His mother is still living in Florida and she doesn’t know we are no longer Witnesses. He has broken relations with her for other reasons. Our boys and their families are shunning us.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
Since we left the area we have not had any contact with anyone from our former congregations.
How long have you now been out?
My husband and I have been out mentally for 6 years and physically out for 4 years.
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
We opened and closed a donut shop. We love remodeling our log house. It has been a passion of ours to be as self-sufficient as possible by growing an organic garden (him) and learning the wild flowers of the area and their uses (me). We are trying to work this into a business to sustain ourselves.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
We have a modest comfortable home. We are growing a lot of our own food. We have made new friends who cannot possibly understand our background but accept us anyway. I gave the Sunday talk in our Unitarian Universalist congregation on “How to Recognize a Cult” that shared some of our experiences as Witnesses. I can’t imagine giving the Sunday talk at a Kingdom Hall.
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
It is sad that both of us have been active in 3 different congregations in Florida and one in Tennessee yet have no real friends in any of them. To be honest, no one knows we have left.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
I am not familiar with the Matrix so don’t know which pill is which. Reality is far better than a dream which makes us slave for a false hope.
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
I was an agnostic before I became involved with the Witnesses. I have returned to agnosticism/ atheism/ humanism.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
I can only echo Rutherford’s words that “religion is a snare and a racket”. Generally speaking many people of faith are good moral people. There are too many mouthpieces saying they represent “God”. If he exists, why can’t he speak for himself? If “God” owns the whole universe, then why does he need anything from us? Would a good father demand total obedience and dependence from his children when they become adults? Would a good father kill his children for a small infraction of his ever-changing rules? Bottom line: Religion is a business that passes the authority buck to a made-up “God”.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
For our first Christmas we traveled from FL to our house in PA to celebrate. No one knew us there. For our second Christmas we cut a branch of a pine tree and put it in our bedroom where no one could see. By our third Christmas we had moved to PA and have celebrated openly ever since. I felt a great deal of guilt at first but that has disappeared.
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
We had a meet-up at our house on Labor Day week end the first year we moved to PA. A small group came who responded to our invitation on JWN.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
First of all I wouldn’t separate ex-JWs from regular people. I have learned that “regular people” carry baggage of different sorts than ours. Our baggage just happens to be from the cult. That said, our circle of friends is mostly ordinary regular people from varied backgrounds.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
The first people we told of our JW past were my cousin and her husband who lived near us in FL. They knew we were JWs but like most figured it was a benign religion that knocked on people’s doors. We shocked them when we told them we were leaving and why. We were relieved at their acceptance.
When we moved to PA we kept our past pretty much to ourselves. As we began to tell our story to a select few we found more understanding and empathy that we had ever experienced in the Kingdom Halls. As I mentioned above I gave a talk to our Unitarian Universalist congregation telling some of our experiences in the cult.
I have been careful not to disclose my JW past to anyone at work. I work at an assisted living facility where there are 2 elderly active JWs. It would complicate matters if they found out I am a “mentally diseased apostate”.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
I have no animosity toward any individual JW or anyone who genuinely believes their faith and does their best to live a good moral life. That is not for me to judge. My ill will is directed towards the leaders of the WT and other religions who knowingly abuse their positions of power for their own gain.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
We live in a rural area about 20 miles from the nearest Kingdom Hall. So far no one has called at our door when we were home. The only evidence of their activity has been an invitation left to a district convention about 100 miles from here. We had a good laugh from that.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
“Storm the barricades” is what I did as a Witness in field service. So I have had enough of that. I would rather share my story, letting people know they are not alone as they exit. I think talking to those who are not Witnesses may help them to not get involved in the first place.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
To be honest, I don’t have any idea. It was different for both my husband and me. My husband suffers with ADD. When he went to a therapist (ironically a Witness therapist) and got on some medication he began to think more clearly and that led to him questioning and leaving.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
If the WTS is destroyed something more insidious will most likely take its place. That seems to be human nature to look for shortcuts for answers. There is also a strong need for community which religion gladly supplies. It will definitely change, but to what we will have to wait and see. Their own history has shown many many changes throughout the years. If I have learned one thing from being around mentally and emotionally challenged people it is that I cannot predict how they will react.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
I have children and grandchildren who shun us because we have left.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
I blame the WTS for their method of raising children. If I had not been in the cult I might have had a chance of raising normal children. Children need age appropriate activities, not endless field service, not being exposed to adult topics at the Hall, not being made to sit still and be quiet for hours on end.
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
I was not raised a JW so this question doesn’t apply to me. It was definitely a curse for my husband and my children.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
I have more time for reading books and magazines of my choosing. My husband and I garden and preserve the harvest. We are active members of a Unitarian Universalist congregation.
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
I still have some interest in JW related things but that is fading.
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
I pop into JWN every morning.
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
They are a varied bunch. I enjoy reading their stories and learning how they cope with life on the outside. The younger ones have a shot at making a better life for themselves. We older ones though have lost so much time that it is hard to recover from so much abuse.
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
That is hard to say. Having been a JW for so much of my life it will always be a part of me. For now I feel a need to share my experiences.
Do you fear the future?
I don’t fear the destruction of the world by any supernatural forces. I do have the normal fears of making a living and having good health. I fear for my children and grandchildren’s future as long as they remain in the cult.
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Research, research, research, to convince yourself that you are making the right decision. Then it is important to form friendships outside the organization. Develop critical thinking skills so as not to be caught in another scam. For the younger ones, have a means of supporting yourself financially. Visit websites to learn from others’ experiences.
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
I would have told myself to have finished my college education and developed critical thinking skills.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
I regret letting myself get talked into joining this cult. But then I would not have met and married my husband whom I love dearly. I regret that we didn’t leave together before we had children so they would have had a chance for a normal upbringing.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
I have posted bits and pieces here on JWN. I post on aawa.co. My husband and I were interviewed by Mad Sweeney on his Cult Free Radio.
Want to share your own story? Please use the Interview with an Apostate: Template and post it in the Personal Experiences & Reunions section with the title "Interview with an Apostate: [your name or alias]"
